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So, a few days ago I shared a post that was raw, personal and complex.  Mixed between strong statements of disappointment and anger, I shared a glimpse of a very dark time in my life that even those closest to me knew very little about. The outpouring of kindness through both public and private messages warmed my soul. Unlike the young woman of the original post, I now have the benefit of a strong support system and years of therapy. The words “thank you” barely seem adequate to represent the gratitude I have for those who responded with words of encouragement, but unfortunately the post also brought out the dark side. Not of me, but rather social media.

The same system that allows for messages of kindness and support can also bring cruelty and brutality.  In a closed room where you have hand-chosen all the guests, you want to believe that you are safe to speak your mind. I thought all my FB friends would understand if my words took a dark and broody tone after the election. I thought everyone would understand how the current political situation could trigger fear and anger long repressed.  I also made the mistake of believing that all the people that in my sphere would be kind and thoughtful and, dare I say it, sensitive, even when I wasn’t. But I was wrong.

Certainly, I opened the door for attacks when I publicly professed a profound disappointment in the outcome of the elections, because, for me, it triggered a deep and personal injury, and, as it has my entire life, the pain came out as anger. I expected some pushback politically, but I certainly was not prepared for the depths of malice that others held so privately. It was NOT my political remarks that irritated a few individuals, but rather an “insinuation” that someone in past had hurt me that generated the most vitriol. In the last week, I have been accused of being a bully, slandering (though I think he meant “libeling” since I clearly wrote the offending piece), lying about the original situation and I have also been accused of virtue signaling (I had to look that one up). I temporarily deactivated my FB page, and prepared for a life as a hermit. But after a few days I realized that I needed to respond, lest the bad guys win. So like a phoenix, I am reborn. 

If you are of the opinion that FB should not be the arena of frank discussions, but rather only filled with kittens memes and smiling emoticons, stop reading. You will only find disappointment ahead. To the rest of the brave souls, tread ahead and read a sampling of responses that my post generated and my feelings about each:

To the man who said I was wrong for smearing the reputation of our high school (which I did not mention in my FB post) and said that I was a bully for not retracting the original post after he asked me to, I thank you. You have released 34 years of pent-up anger. Your comment that “maybe you deserved it” created a hulk-like response in me. Your lack of empathy for the suffering of another human being is deplorable, and I will spend the rest of my years on this earth calling people like you out on victim-shaming. Do not say that you “love and respect me” in the same breath that you call me a bully for sharing that I was hurt. Do not hide behind your shell of righteousness and pretend to be on my side, preferring to send me your condescending patronage in the shadows of a personal message, where there is no fear of retribution. You are a coward and a hypocrite.

To the man that I have not seen in 35 years who said, “I know you and I know you didn’t MEAN to hurt anyone’s feeling with that post”, you are wrong. You do NOT know me.  You have vague recollections of a mousy, moody teenager who was so afraid of doing the wrong thing that she couldn’t stand up for herself. You have no idea what I have gone through in the last few decades, so do not BEGIN to tell me how to feel. Have you been raped? Do you know what it’s like to walk through crowds, hot with the rage and shame of having something done to you that is so out of your control that it makes you fear each and every one of the people you pass by EVERY DAY? Do you know intimately how destructive that anger and shame will be throughout your life, and how it will affect you every day, and in every relationship for more than three decades? I am betting not. Do you understand a fear so primal that it haunts you each night as you sleep and during the day makes you push everyone you know farther and farther away? You are wrong to think that I did not want people to FEEL repulsion and anger, and uncomfortable reading my words. Life is uncomfortable. It is filled with happiness and surprise, but also sadness and disgust. To be truly human, we experience all of it. As Hermione said, “Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn’t mean we all have”. I am not sorry that you felt “uncomfortable”.  You are an adult. If you don’t want to see or read something, you are free at any time to go look at kitten memes.

To the woman who wrote to me and said “as a Christian” I should be “ashamed” for posting my private matters on FB, I say you might want to take your robe of holiness to the dry cleaner; it’s looking a little spotty.  Aren’t we called to “mourn with those who mourn”? The bible is full of pain and suffering and commiserating with those in need. Please show me where it says “I’m sorry you’ve had a bad day, please keep that to yourself.” Your comment, “at least it made you who you are today”, may have been my least favorite. You give all the credit for whatever I have become today TO MY RAPIST? No, you don’t get to do that. HE did not make me stronger. Did you ever stop and think how strong I had to be as a teenager to overcome that trauma?  I am not a victim, I am a survivor. How dare you give any credit for the good things in my life to him.  Rape is one of the most common, yet continually underreported crimes IN THE WORLD. Do we really wonder why, when people like you add to the women being re-victimized years after the original event?

You also mention that the “isolated incident” was most likely the reason that I go on with this “nonsense of pretending to be gay”.  Let me provide you with some details to help reframe your thinking. Remember our friend the rapist? Many years ago, he insinuated himself on me, and I said I wasn’t interested. He continued and I said, “no”, and then he asked me if I was attracted to him, and I said, “no”.  Apparently, the feeling of not being desired makes some men angry. Some men get violent. Some men even rape, threaten and humiliate women, to prove that they are “attractive” and powerful. Being raped didn’t make me gay; I was raped because I WAS gay. The combination of hormones and a delicate ego made him yearn for power and control. When it comes down to it, abusers know the only way they can have power is show you that you are powerless, so when you tell me that you’re sure “he didn’t mean it”, I know you’re wrong, because I was there when he held my hands down, using his strength to subdue my 110 pound body and when you say “he didn’t mean it”, it also tells me that you have more empathy for him than for me.

To the two women who wrote to me and said “I bet I know who it was, he did it to me, too.” I understand. The shame, the pain, the embarrassment, the anger, the regret that you didn’t scream it to the world until he was put away has been a heavy burden. If I could take away your pain, I would. I know it well, and my heart breaks for you. If you ever need to talk, I am here.

For those of you still reading, here’s some guidance. When someone shares an uncomfortable detail of their past, say things like “I’m sorry this happened to you” or “What can I do?”or “It wasn’t your fault “ or “Thank you for telling me”, and most importantly, “I love you and I’m here for you”. There is no neutral position; if you are not siding with your friend or family member, you are siding with their abuser.

I have shared some of the negative comments above in a hope that if someone ever comes to you and shares a painful chapter in their life, be it a similar situation, or if they share that they suffer from depression or anxiety or other mental health issues, or even if they are just coming out to you, that you will think about how you respond. I pray none of your friends or family ever have to deal with the abusive situation that I did. I also hope and pray that none of you would respond the way a few shadows from the dark side of FB did.  But also, for those of you who read and said nothing, because you were afraid that you wouldn’t have the right thing to say, or you didn’t want to get involved, or the topic made you feel uncomfortable, I understand.  But please know your kind words, even awkward ones, can help soothe a wounded heart. One in six women will suffer this kind of trauma, as will one of 33 men, which means most or all of you know someone else who has or will go through this. Be there for them like many of you were for me. Love them, care for them, comfort them. Be their voice. I know I will.