When a Fellow is Out of a Job

"All nature is sick from her heels to her hair,
When a fellow is out of a job.
She's all out of kilter, beyond all repair
When a fellow is out of a job."*

Since I have time on my hands, I thought I would share five things I think this week:

1) Daytime television has lead to a substantial increase in the profits of pharmaceutical companies, especially those dealing with anti-depressants. I’ve learned that if you’re home during the day, you’re underemployed, depressed, likely to enroll in technical school, have an excess of federal tax owed and are interested in domestic disputes being aired in the public forum.

2) I have done something wrong in the eyes of non-profit fundraisers: What you ask? I don’t know, but I have been singularly unable to get those cute little address labels sent to me. Everyone else in the free world gets some every month. My partner has easily one thousand, eight hundred and sixty-six of the little buggers at the ready to stick onto her outgoing envelopes. (Yes, I counted. I have a lot of free time on my hands lately.) No matter what bleeding heart campaign I donate to, I never get any adorably cute sticky labels with my address. She has seashells, lighthouses, starfish, dolphins and other sea creatures, hummingbirds, pansies, butterflies, simple monograms, cute puppies, even cuter kittens, bunnies (with extra bonus envelope seals), Mother Goose, gardens, sunflowers, roses, Ziggy, hearts (with bonus smiling heart seals), children’s drawings, what looks vaguely like Pocahontas doing yard work, needlepoint facsimiles, autumnal leaves, Victorian drawings, kites (the toys, not the animals), Zebras, smiling suns, birds, grapes, sunsets, winter scapes, the ubiquitous pink bows, garish purses, tea cups, high heeled shoes, bees, frogs, amorous cartoon birds, fish that look like Nemo, trains, plain orange (!), a wide array of patriotic themes, including Uncle Sam hats, fireworks, flag hearts , regular flags, and not to be outdone, a variety of Christmas scenes including snowmen (in a variety of costumes), holly, candles, wreaths, Christmas trees, gingerbread men, little drummer boys, snowflakes, ornaments, candy canes, pine cones, and Santa in a variety of poses. What have I done to offend the address label gods? In the mail this week I rec’d a plump envelope from a non-profit and I thought my drought was over. I opened the envelope carefully, as I was certain I was about to be the proud owner of a sheet of cute little address labels to adorn my personal correspondence. I pulled out the gummy sheets and I was right, my prayers were answered, but as I focused on the picture, my heart sank. Yes, I had new labels. No, they were not cute. What was my new treat? Ferret heads. No cute little bunnies for me, I get ugly ferret heads. Ferrets, just a twig on the family tree away from WEASELS. I ask you, what holiday merits weasel stickers?

3) Employment ads are written by morons. You know, people with bullhorns. I have spent 3 hours a day looking at such ads, so I think I have a good feel for what constitutes stupid . This is an actual headline from a recent ad: “How Many Boxes of Cash Do You Want?! Earn $10,000 in 3 days! Honestly, legally and ethically! No experience needed! Call NOW!” Now, do you really think I’m silly enough to respond to this? Do you really think that by adding exclamation points after each sentence, that I will take you more seriously?! No. And I really doubt the “ethically” part. My favorite ad was “Needed: Poo Cleaner”. Well, don’t we all. I don’t care how much it paid, I prefer unemployment. Another frightening one: “Tattoo artist needed. No experience needed, will train.” That is the reason I don’t have a tattoo. That and the mental image of a wrinkly cartoon on a saggy breast. No thanks. Another favorite: “manger position needed for the holidays”. If the holy family is available, I believe they have experience. Exactly what IS a manger position? Standing, with head in a trough? Or nestled in swaddling clothes?

4) Simple is good. I have enjoyed the last few weeks of having time to myself, communing with nature, and relying only on myself (and the cats) for daytime company. I recommend it. It’s amazing how much you can get done when work doesn’t get in the way. (Bonus points for anyone who can tell me what famous piece of American Literature has the above themes.)

5) Does your book collection tell people who you really are? We’ve finished our book inventory this week, and ended around 900 books. If an outsider looked at our collection, what would they learn about us? I think they would say we have too many books.
Until next time, get out and commune with nature…before it’s gone


* Grant Rogers